Never again

Dear Diary,
Occasionally around the office water cooler, I have heard my peers talk about their "hour long" therapy sessions. I have only ever participated in 30 minute sessions myself, and have always found their retelling of tired muscles and sore baby bodies to be all a bit overly dramatic. A standard session is thirty minutes. How could just an additional half hour wreak such havoc on toddler morale? Well today, due to a scheduling error, I found out. What transpired over the course of the next hour can only be described quite simply as torture. I was forced to ride on a swing, play on squishy stairs, bang on a baby piano, and roll around on a yoga ball. All without any breaks for snacks, bottles, or to slobber on my favorite Mardi Gras beads. As if all that playing wasn't cruel enough, I was then subjected to hugs, adoring faces, and cuddles. I screamed and pouted in defeat and drooled all over both therapists, but alas, my cries of protest and exhaustion went unnoticed. It wasn't until I became silly with fatigue, pushing out my belly, blowing bubbles at all who would listen, and passing gas, that I was granted respite. I was huffing and puffing and even attempted to fall asleep face down on my yoga mat. My brothers and sisters in arms were telling the truth and I was wrong to ever have doubted. An hour is just too horrific for any baby to endure when it comes to therapy.
Thoroughly winded,
Mr. Baby

A day with friends

Dear Diary,
Today was grand! I woke up late after a wonderful night with MoMo. She came to stay with me while my parents were at some silly function. I don't know where they were and I certainly don't care because I had my MoMo ALL to myself. My wish was her command, and I rewarded her with smiles and cuddles. Momo even let me PLAY in the bath! Mother's time management skills are so horrendous that I only ever get a quick dip. Water thrown in my face, my nether regions handled in a less than delicate fashion, and often shampoo left in my hair. It was so wonderful. We even watched late night T.V. together as I have decided, as of late, that sleep is overrated. The next day,I spent the afternoon with all my friends, faunts, & funcles. (Those are friends who are like Aunts and Uncles)
We sat on blankets outside. My friend Jack showed me his earthworm collection, Cohen made sure I had toys, and Aiden and Evie made sure I was wrapped up under the blanket, and well fed. I loved sitting in Aidens lap. I only cried when I decided I had played too much and realized I really should have taken that nap I chose to skip. The day was so wonderful being around friends, that I overheard Father telling Mother that, "with friends like ours, I know Henry will always be safe, loved, and looked after."

Guaca-mall-e

Dear Diary,
Mother took me to the mall today for our first mall date. I was so happy to be going to J.c. Penneys, because oh how I love Ellen, so it just makes sense. I got so overwhelmed with excitement that I screamed and then passed out as we were walking through the parking garage. I made it 5 feet from the entrance.
When I awoke, we were in the food court. Sweet Heaven. I ate some prunes, wore some banana, and made love eyes at the skylights.
As we were leaving, a very strange man kept peering into my stroller and waving. I felt like telling him that if I was going to smile I would have done so by now. I finally caved and gave him a grin. He was satisfied and wandered off to harass a young sales clerk. He was quite old and unsteady on his feet. Mother mentioned something about him trying to steal me and my lifeforce. All I could think of was how the ever present element of danger in a mall food court is invigorating to the soul. We had one last errand to run at Dilliards. All the sights and smells of the old women at the perfume counters rose to an intolerable level for me. I proceeded to have a proper meltdown. As Mother hurriedly paid the clerk, another elderly clerk, (is everyone over 85 years of age in malls on a weekday?) leaned over and inspected my carriage. "You know, a family took their stroller on the escalator today, and the baby fell out. There was blood everywhere." Mother recoiled in horror and practically ran out of the establishment. I wanted to grab that woman by her saggy jowls! Does she not know to whom she was retelling this tale?My mother needs only a hint of a cautionary tale to send her into a paranoid fit. I imagine we will only be shopping at ground level stores for the remainder of the season!
I can't say I remember much about the rest of the trip. I did in fact get to see Penneys. Unfortunately it was through half lidded eyes as I was screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason. It's been 24 hours since our date, and I haven't stopped screaming since. Except of course to eat, or sleep for 4 hours last night.
Until our next adventure,
H.W.H