Mother took me to the mall today for our first mall date. I was so happy to be going to J.c. Penneys, because oh how I love Ellen, so it just makes sense. I got so overwhelmed with excitement that I screamed and then passed out as we were walking through the parking garage. I made it 5 feet from the entrance.
When I awoke, we were in the food court. Sweet Heaven. I ate some prunes, wore some banana, and made love eyes at the skylights.
As we were leaving, a very strange man kept peering into my stroller and waving. I felt like telling him that if I was going to smile I would have done so by now. I finally caved and gave him a grin. He was satisfied and wandered off to harass a young sales clerk. He was quite old and unsteady on his feet. Mother mentioned something about him trying to steal me and my lifeforce. All I could think of was how the ever present element of danger in a mall food court is invigorating to the soul. We had one last errand to run at Dilliards. All the sights and smells of the old women at the perfume counters rose to an intolerable level for me. I proceeded to have a proper meltdown. As Mother hurriedly paid the clerk, another elderly clerk, (is everyone over 85 years of age in malls on a weekday?) leaned over and inspected my carriage. "You know, a family took their stroller on the escalator today, and the baby fell out. There was blood everywhere." Mother recoiled in horror and practically ran out of the establishment. I wanted to grab that woman by her saggy jowls! Does she not know to whom she was retelling this tale?My mother needs only a hint of a cautionary tale to send her into a paranoid fit. I imagine we will only be shopping at ground level stores for the remainder of the season!
I can't say I remember much about the rest of the trip. I did in fact get to see Penneys. Unfortunately it was through half lidded eyes as I was screaming at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason. It's been 24 hours since our date, and I haven't stopped screaming since. Except of course to eat, or sleep for 4 hours last night.
Until our next adventure,
H.W.H
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